My Own Game of Devil’s Advocate

Ah, where to start? So much has gone so very wrong lately. And I still can’t help thinking that there are others who have things much worse. Call me a hypocrite if you wish but as much as I hate the current food stamp program, without it, my family wouldn’t be eating very much. It’s totally insane that a retired Air Force Tech Sergeant cannot get a decent job no matter how many times he puts in an application, no matter what his job skills amount to, no matter how much previous experience he has. It’s even worse that because of his disabilities, he can’t put in applications at the most available jobs, such as fast food restaurants and retail stores because he cannot stand on his feet all day. It sucks that he is willing to work, yea even /eager/ to work and yet we still wonder how we will make ends meet from day to day. We had to make a decision this month on which bills to pay and which ones we were going to have to make mad. If nothing happens within the next couple of weeks, I’m sure the nasty grams and hate calls will begin. This is without a doubt preying on my mind. But there are people in this same situation everywhere and probably a good many who are worse off.

On top of this jobless state, wherein we find ourselves with very little money left in the bank and still over half a month left to go before we get our paltry retirement check, our stove will not work correctly. The lights work perfectly. The clock works just fine. However, pretty lights and an accurate clock do not cook food very well. The burners and the oven will not warm. We don’t use a microwave so it looks like salad and/or sandwiches for a while until we figure out how to fix it ourselves b/c we surely cannot pay someone to fix it for us. And the warranty is no longer good.

We live in Louisiana. In the summer, you need AC…preferably an AC that works correctly. Our window unit in our family room is not working correctly and until we figure out why, we cannot run it. It is leaking so badly that its becoming a danger. We have cleaned it and adjusted the angle many times and still it leaks into the house.

The floor in our master bathroom must be redone…completely. The toilet is threatening to fall through the floor at the least provocation. We cannot afford to redo it now so we are down to using the hall bath. I’m thankful that we have a hall bath to use.

My list of things to do and complete keeps growing and growing and growing and there is nothing else I can do about any of it. Nothing I say will make any of it better. So I sit here. And I wait. And I’m bad at waiting. I get morose and antsy and frustrated. And I snap a lot. Much like a wounded animal, I suppose. Or maybe like an animal in it’s old age that just wants to sleep. But I will not sleep. I cannot sleep on the job. I will do whatever I can. I will do something positive. I will fingerpaint with my kids today. I only have black tempera paint and brown paper bags but it’s something. And it can be something positive. I have material and I have patterns and I can sew. Even if my machine breaks, I can hand sew. I can be productive and be positive. And I know that if I keep at it, tomorrow will be better. It has to be better…right?

Remember to breathe…